The Shame Spiral

Today was not one of my best days.  It’s a few days before Christmas and I’m feeling a little lonely and nostalgic and I was thinking about how things were at this time last year and the year before that, etc.   I was doing some online trolling of my ex (I’m fully aware this is a big “no no” during the”No Contact” phase because the temptation to actually contact this person is still so strong). He still has OUR photos up all over his social media account, like we are still together. This is both disturbing to me and if I’m being completely honest (and I am) also makes me feel good, like I’m still on his mind.   I see now why everything I’ve read says to block this person out of every aspect of your life, social media included. Well, I didn’t listen and while I was a good three weeks into my “No Contact” phase I picked up that phone and dialed his number LIKE MY LIFE DEPENDED ON IT.

He answered, and at first acted like he had no idea who was calling (ugh, that was the first gut shot).  Then, acting like nothing was wrong or that I hadn’t cut off all contact with him and dropped off the face of the planet launched into a 10 minute monologue about Christmas and Christmas shopping and work and how busy and lovely his life has been over the past month (good for you asshole).  He never once asked me how I was, or how I was feeling or anything having to do with me at all.  When I finally did say something and I asked him if that’s all he had to say to me after not talking to me he immediately went on the defensive and said he wasn’t going to be made out to be a monster and how dare I catch him off guard this way just calling out of the blue.  Oh he’s good… he’s REALLY good.

In his true narcissistic fashion he immediately flipped the tables, made me feel like I’d done something horrible and made me feel like shit all in one fell swoop.  Well done sir! He then said we should get together and talk and “how was the 3rd of January”.  Really? The 3rd of January?  He may of well have just said “hey, you mean absolutely nothing to me and I don’t need you right now but I may in the future so I’d like to keep you on the hook you poor desperate girl so how about I give you some attention in two weeks?”  At this point I got off the phone and immediately felt awful.  I was upset because of his response and I was disappointed and ashamed of myself for calling.  I felt weak and I gave in and it felt really bad.  So bad in fact that I had a physical reaction of immediate hives all over my neck and chest.  I am very lucky to work with a very good friend and I went to see her after I spoke with my ex.  She immediately knew I had done something but also the look of horror on her face when she saw me and was like your neck is red and it’s spreading.  Not words that you want to hear, believe me.

The Aftermath…..

How I’m feeling now is a very mixed bag of emotions.  Again, ashamed and disappointed in myself for “breaking”.  Upset because the reaction I got from my ex was typical but not what I wanted and I thought that he would be kind, or say he missed me or something along those lines.  I am grasping for a silver lining and I think I found one.  I blocked everything with regards to me ex, for real this time.  No little windows to peek through have been left open.  If I’m going to do this and be successful and move on with my life and away from this person who is not  good for me in any way, that’s the way it has to be. I’m flawed and I make mistakes but I also have hope and faith.  Faith in myself that I WILL be able to do this and move on.

 

If you are interested in reading about why the “No Contact” rule can be so difficult, here are some articles that have helped me.

https://afternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.com/2014/09/01/why-is-no-contact-so-difficult/

https://afternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.com/life/what-to-expect-after-the-break-up-with-the-narcissist/

http://thenarcissisticlife.com/the-no-contact-rule-the-narcissist-and-no-contact/

 

Making a list, checking it twice…

Now that I am fully engaged in the  “No Contact” phase of a very volatile and unhealthy relationship with a narcissist  I’ve been trying my best not to constantly focus on the negative feelings that are so typically associated in ending a relationship with a narcissistic person.  This is a time when I find myself constantly questioning my decisions and asking “why” quite a bit.  I’ve been doing a lot of research on this topic and one thing that seems constant in what I’ve been reading is that I should take this time and begin to focus on what I want.  So I’ve decided to make a list, what could be easier?

Well…it was actually It was harder than I thought.  The ideas were not free flowing like I had expected.  I actually had to do some work for this! So I started out with things like, wanting to take a cooking class (I love to cook and bake),  reading more books for leisure and working on personal projects that I wanted to (like this blog).  As I continued to write, my ideas started to morph from things I wanted to do to things I wanted to improve and change.  I want to be able to make better choices for myself,  I want to make better relationship decisions, I want to have more faith and trust in myself.   Some of these things on my list will be easy  and some will take some time and effort.  It’s time and effort that is well worth spending if you ask me.  Do you ever take any time to reflect on the things you want?  If so I’d love to hear what your “list items” are in the comments section.

 

If you are interested in checking out some of the articles that have helped me gain some insight on breaking free of a narcissistic relationship here are a few listed below.

https://letmereach.com/2014/04/10/does-the-narcissist-miss-you-after-no-contact/

http://esteemology.com/breaking-free-why-breaking-up-with-a-narcissist-is-not-your-average-break-up/

http://www.everydayhealth.com/columns/health-answers/break-free-narcissist-in-your-life/

 

Rough and Tough

Today started out a bit rough.  My daughter got sick and it was one of those times when it came out of nowhere.  One minute we were getting ourselves ready to go to my parents house to make and decorate Christmas cookies and the next minute she was barfing in the trash can (poor kid).   So I got her all settled and as comfortable as possible.  While I was doing things around the house and she napped I started to feel that old familiar pang, that overly anxious feeling, that sudden urge to pick up the phone immediately and call my ex-narcissist.  For those of you that may not understand what I’m talking about it’s an urge that comes on so quickly and strongly it almost feels like someone else is controlling you for the moment.  “Dial the number” a little voice says and then almost like a zombie you start to obey.  Then, almost simultaneously your sound mind kicks and and says “whoa lady, stop right there”.  I’m thankful for the part of my brain that stopped me.  I was already worried about my daughter not feeling well that I felt like I needed that familiar comfort….I didn’t.

When I stopped and really thought about it, there wasn’t much that was comforting about this person, at least not in the typical sense.  In actuality the most comforting thing about him was knowing exactly how he would respond to most situations, which was badly.  All in all it ended up not being such a horrible day.  After my daughter’s nap she felt much better and so we wrapped some presents and made a gingerbread house since she missed out on the cookies at her grandparents house.  I was also proud of myself for breaking my old cycle of trying to rely on someone that has no capability of being relied on.  It’s not an easy thing, trying to change a bad habit, no matter what it is.  So when you are able to make those steps towards betters decisions and a better you, be proud of yourself.

New Year, New Me?

With the year quickly coming to an end and a new year approaching I’m sure there are a lot of us who do some pretty serious reflecting during this time (or at least as much as we can while mid holiday frenzy!)   I myself have really been playing ping pong inside of my head with all of my ideas and hopes for the new year.  I’d like to leave some bad (very bad) habits behind me.  My bad habit isn’t quitting smoking, or promising to finally get into the gym or promising my Mom that this is the year I’ll finally let her teach me how to knit (sorry Mom!).  My bad habit is a person.  My bad habit is someone who I’ve let treat me poorly for years, someone who I thought loved me.  Whether it’s a friend, lover, co-worker or family member have you ever let someone continually treat you poorly and just sat back and let it happen?

When you finally are able to see the situation as an outsider looking in, it’s almost astonishing.  A myriad of questions run through your mind with this new sense of clarity. The first one likely being “How could I have let this happen?” It’s a difficult pill to swallow, realizing that you’ve been letting someone walk all over you or treat you in a way you don’t deserve to be treated.  I’ve decided that for the year 2017 I will no longer allow that to happen.  A step I’ve taken to ensure that I will be successful with my resolution is I’ve cut off all contact.  This was hard.  I’m not even going and try and bullshit you, it was and is, extremely difficult.  This is a person I was in a relationship with and at one point wanted to marry to give you an idea of what they meant to me.  I know that “no contact” is the only way to remove him from my life.  This person is not a good person.  He is a textbook narcissist and also has some pretty serious drug and alcohol abuse problems.  To top it off he was also emotionally and physically abusive and before I got myself in even deeper I knew my only choice was to get away from him completely.

Every day, I feel a little stronger and more resolved and happy with my decision to remove this man from my life.  Now is the time to focus on myself, what do I want?  It’s something that I’ve been asking myself a lot lately.  To be quite honest I’m not exactly sure how to answer this question yet, but I’m proud of myself for finally asking.  So for this upcoming year I hope that you will not only make resolutions but also ask yourself what it is that you want…..and then go and get it!