Today started out a bit rough. My daughter got sick and it was one of those times when it came out of nowhere. One minute we were getting ourselves ready to go to my parents house to make and decorate Christmas cookies and the next minute she was barfing in the trash can (poor kid). So I got her all settled and as comfortable as possible. While I was doing things around the house and she napped I started to feel that old familiar pang, that overly anxious feeling, that sudden urge to pick up the phone immediately and call my ex-narcissist. For those of you that may not understand what I’m talking about it’s an urge that comes on so quickly and strongly it almost feels like someone else is controlling you for the moment. “Dial the number” a little voice says and then almost like a zombie you start to obey. Then, almost simultaneously your sound mind kicks and and says “whoa lady, stop right there”. I’m thankful for the part of my brain that stopped me. I was already worried about my daughter not feeling well that I felt like I needed that familiar comfort….I didn’t.
When I stopped and really thought about it, there wasn’t much that was comforting about this person, at least not in the typical sense. In actuality the most comforting thing about him was knowing exactly how he would respond to most situations, which was badly. All in all it ended up not being such a horrible day. After my daughter’s nap she felt much better and so we wrapped some presents and made a gingerbread house since she missed out on the cookies at her grandparents house. I was also proud of myself for breaking my old cycle of trying to rely on someone that has no capability of being relied on. It’s not an easy thing, trying to change a bad habit, no matter what it is. So when you are able to make those steps towards betters decisions and a better you, be proud of yourself.