The Shame Spiral

Today was not one of my best days.  It’s a few days before Christmas and I’m feeling a little lonely and nostalgic and I was thinking about how things were at this time last year and the year before that, etc.   I was doing some online trolling of my ex (I’m fully aware this is a big “no no” during the”No Contact” phase because the temptation to actually contact this person is still so strong). He still has OUR photos up all over his social media account, like we are still together. This is both disturbing to me and if I’m being completely honest (and I am) also makes me feel good, like I’m still on his mind.   I see now why everything I’ve read says to block this person out of every aspect of your life, social media included. Well, I didn’t listen and while I was a good three weeks into my “No Contact” phase I picked up that phone and dialed his number LIKE MY LIFE DEPENDED ON IT.

He answered, and at first acted like he had no idea who was calling (ugh, that was the first gut shot).  Then, acting like nothing was wrong or that I hadn’t cut off all contact with him and dropped off the face of the planet launched into a 10 minute monologue about Christmas and Christmas shopping and work and how busy and lovely his life has been over the past month (good for you asshole).  He never once asked me how I was, or how I was feeling or anything having to do with me at all.  When I finally did say something and I asked him if that’s all he had to say to me after not talking to me he immediately went on the defensive and said he wasn’t going to be made out to be a monster and how dare I catch him off guard this way just calling out of the blue.  Oh he’s good… he’s REALLY good.

In his true narcissistic fashion he immediately flipped the tables, made me feel like I’d done something horrible and made me feel like shit all in one fell swoop.  Well done sir! He then said we should get together and talk and “how was the 3rd of January”.  Really? The 3rd of January?  He may of well have just said “hey, you mean absolutely nothing to me and I don’t need you right now but I may in the future so I’d like to keep you on the hook you poor desperate girl so how about I give you some attention in two weeks?”  At this point I got off the phone and immediately felt awful.  I was upset because of his response and I was disappointed and ashamed of myself for calling.  I felt weak and I gave in and it felt really bad.  So bad in fact that I had a physical reaction of immediate hives all over my neck and chest.  I am very lucky to work with a very good friend and I went to see her after I spoke with my ex.  She immediately knew I had done something but also the look of horror on her face when she saw me and was like your neck is red and it’s spreading.  Not words that you want to hear, believe me.

The Aftermath…..

How I’m feeling now is a very mixed bag of emotions.  Again, ashamed and disappointed in myself for “breaking”.  Upset because the reaction I got from my ex was typical but not what I wanted and I thought that he would be kind, or say he missed me or something along those lines.  I am grasping for a silver lining and I think I found one.  I blocked everything with regards to me ex, for real this time.  No little windows to peek through have been left open.  If I’m going to do this and be successful and move on with my life and away from this person who is not  good for me in any way, that’s the way it has to be. I’m flawed and I make mistakes but I also have hope and faith.  Faith in myself that I WILL be able to do this and move on.

 

If you are interested in reading about why the “No Contact” rule can be so difficult, here are some articles that have helped me.

https://afternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.com/2014/09/01/why-is-no-contact-so-difficult/

https://afternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.com/life/what-to-expect-after-the-break-up-with-the-narcissist/

http://thenarcissisticlife.com/the-no-contact-rule-the-narcissist-and-no-contact/

 

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